Deeper Attraction

Hello, and welcome to the Salt Church Podcast. Thank you for tuning in to this week's message. Join us as we explore God's Word providing practical teaching for day-to-day living. The message you are about to hear was recorded live at our Sunday morning worship experience. If you would like to learn more about Salt Church, please visit us at saltchurch.

org. We hope that you are encouraged by today's message. So, Song of Solomon, without any further ado, let's roll with this. This is an amazing, amazing, and also challenging scripture. In fact, I'm a little nervous about teaching this today because anytime I teach on something about relationships, like money, relationships, intimacy, marriage, and things like that, it hits a nerve, right?

And sometimes I've even gotten emails from people, I don't agree with you on that subject, you know. But here's the thing, God has a way for relationships, and He clearly spells it out in scripture, and it works. And studies show that 40% of those of you even here today have been affected by bad relationships or divorces. So one of two of you here today are dealing with some of those issues in your relationship. And one out of four of you that are in this place today are ready to give up.

You've been at some place where you're ready to give up, whether it's a dating relationship, whether it's a marriage, whatever that might look like. You're at the point of, like, I'm done. I'm tired, and I'm ready to just give up and put in the towel. And here's the big idea. This is why we need this series.

This is why we need the scripture that God has laid before us for relationships. Because we're programmed. We've been programmed by this culture to think a certain way about intimacy, about relationships, about marriage. We've been trained and programmed, perhaps, media, television, movies, music, pop culture. All these things have warped us in a way to think wrongly about relationships.

So we want to reprogram how we think about them. We want to look at what God has for us in our relationships, in our marriages, how we date, how we fight. All these things that we do in our relationship, God actually has answers for those in the Song of Solomon. So, here's the thing. In this series, some of you might feel a little, you know, as you're hearing this stuff, you're like, Oh, man, I've really messed up.

And some of you are already thinking that. Man, I've already had three divorces, or I've been dating and dating, and I just cannot find the right person, and I just feel like it's me. Is it me, or is there something wrong? Let me just assure you, the good news is, God has something for you. The good news is, it's not over.

Don't feel hopeless. God is with you on this journey. And if you walk with us on this journey in this series, and this will go for about five weeks. This is a longer series. Usually, we do three to four-week series.

I'm doing a five-week series, maybe even a six-week series, because there's just so much information. I believe it's so important, because God really spoke to me a few months ago and said, Leon, you need to do this again, because I've taught on this a few years ago. And he's like, you need to do this again, because marriages are just so important. Relationships are important. And so goes the family, so goes the church, and so goes everything.

It's all built. God builds everything from the very beginning on relationships. Adam and Eve in the garden, everything is about relationships. So give this a chance. Even if you don't really agree with it, just give it an opportunity for the next four weeks.

Just give it a chance and see where God takes you. Stick with us through this four or five-week series, this five to six-week series that we're going to do. And I guarantee you, God is going to do something, because God's way is just better. So let me give you some context on the Song of Solomon. There's a lot of information.

I like to, as I do a book study, this is kind of more of a book study, and I take people through seasons, you know, with my messages in this church. It's purposeful. Like last series was all about, you know, starting your year, doing it right, focusing on what's most important, you know, kind of doing all those first things, first things in the year to help us kick start our year off the right way. And then I lead us into, you know, this season, where we go a little deeper, and we start thinking about, you know, how we're living, and how we're operating in relationships. And it's Valentine's Day, and we're all thinking about, you know, Valentine's Day coming up this week, and what we're going to do, and how we're doing.

And some of you are fighting more than ever before, because you're, you know, because you're thinking about relationships, and maybe you're a little nervous about some of the things, and you're kind of talking about it a little more. So this series is kind of meant for that, just to dig a little deeper. And in the context of the Song of Solomon, which in the Hebrew is the Song of Songs, which simply means the Song of All Songs. In fact, it starts off, the scripture starts off, the Song of Songs, which is Solomon's, and which indicates that Solomon, this was the best of Solomon's songs. The best of Solomon, like the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords, and this is the Song of Songs.

And Solomon, if you know anything about Solomon, which many of you probably do, is he was the wisest of all the kings. He was David's son. He was a poet. He was a writer just like his father. He was the third king of Israel.

And he wrote this song. He wrote also most of the Proverbs. We want wisdom in scripture. We can go to the Proverbs and see Solomon's writings. He also wrote Ecclesiastes, which has a lot of wisdom and of the acts of Solomon and what he's done and things like that.

And then he wrote this book. And in Kings, we even see that Solomon wrote a hundred, excuse me, a thousand and five songs. A thousand and five songs. That's a lot of songs. Because he was a songwriter.

He was a poet. So this was the best of those. This was the best of those. And he best, the best song, and the whole intention of this best song, this song of all songs, he wrote this with one detail in mind. God's way works better in relationships.

A very graphic, a very graphic look at two people in a relationship poetically written in a way to show that God's way in relationships, God's way in marriage is better than the world's way. And it was written 900 BC, about 900 years before Christ. This is a 3,000 year old poem that's still feeding us and we're taking from it today. And let me warn you, this is a racy book. This is a spicy, spicy book.

I mean, they talk about some things and might turn your face red a little bit when you hear it or get you going a little bit. Let me just say that, right? Because this is a, in fact, this book was so kind kind of controversial within Jewish history or even current Jewish Torah today. A kid cannot come to read this book until they come of age, a young man because of the things in this book. Further, in the first century of the church, actually, first century after Christ was risen, during that time, there was actually Jewish councils that got together and were actually deciding to take it out of the canon.

They wanted to take the book out of the canon because it was so racy, it was so spicy. They didn't even know it was spicy. Canonizing, canonization just means that it was a part of Jewish scripture. They wanted to take it away from Jewish scripture because of the content of this book. So as we talk about this book, I'm going to give you three rules, and a lot of this material does come from Tommy Nelson.

He's a great teacher on the Song of Solomon. I used to listen to him when I was young and single, and all the information that he gives you is so spot on. So I borrowed a lot of this information from him. But there are three ground rules as we talk about this. So if you're with your spouse, or your significant other, or even if you're not here with them, and these are just some rules that you need to take with this message.

All right, don't judge your spouse, okay? This is for you. This is not for them. So husbands don't be going, you know, like, or slapping his leg. That's you, you know.

Let's not do that. Let's assess ourselves through scripture. Scripture is meant to reveal the things that are wrong with us, right? So it may not work if you go home and say, here's what the Bible says. You're doing this and this and this and this wrong, okay?

And you need to fix that. No, you need to look at yourself. This is how we do this. And secondly, don't be discouraged. Because some of this stuff is going to reveal some things in you.

You're like, ah, I did this wrong. I need to fix this. And for some of you, you're kind of hopeless right now. So I'm asking you, don't be discouraged. Satan brings condemnation.

And this is not to condemn. Jesus brings conviction and a way out. Amen? He brings grace. So this series is about grace.

It's about doing it right this time. This time around, I'm going to do it right. And then the third thing is, this is PG-13, okay? Because this is a spicy book. Like I said, it's an edgy book.

So if you have kids that are under 13 years old, we've got a great kids environment in there. So introduce yourself to the leaders there and to the rooms there. But 13 and older are absolutely welcome. Can I get a good amen on that? Now, why do we think that?

Because they need to hear that. Some of you are probably like, well, they're a little too young to hear that. No, they're not. They're hearing it at school. They're hearing it outside with their friends.

They're hearing it in the neighborhood. And the best place to hear about relationships, sex, all of it is right here in church. Amen? This is where they need to hear about it. So bring your teenagers here.

Let them hear about this. This is the best advice that they'll get. I was a youth pastor for seven years. And I had families. I would teach on this stuff, actually.

And I had families that were all open to it. You know, yeah, yeah, we want. And then I had family, oh, they're not quite ready for that. And they were well into their teens. You know?

And I'm like, okay, you know, 13, 14 years old. They weren't ready for it. And I tell you, I watched what happened in their lives. And some of them ended up going the wrong direction in their relationships, were pregnant out of wedlock, or going through a lot of things because their parents sheltered them from it for too long. And they were already hearing about it.

So I say that just to encourage you that this is the place. We don't want them to hear it out there. We want them to hear it in here. So the genre of this, this song is poetry. It's an allegory.

So there's a lot of symbolism in this. There's a lot of things that, you know, that uses figures of speech and things like that. So it kind of sounds strange as we read through this, and it might not make a lot of sense. So what I'm hoping to do is kind of describe it as I go and kind of help you understand it a little bit. Because, you know, there's just a lot of different things like calling women horses and things like that that we don't understand today.

And I'll get into that in a little bit. So it's not written in chronological order. So it's not like a story that starts and stops. It's a series of poetry all through the book. So when you're reading it, you're starting off, you know, with somebody, you know, saying, oh, my baby, I want to kiss you and this and that.

And then it rolls into like a back and forth. And then, then there's some people that kind of ring in and, and then, and then it goes into the chambers and it shuts off and then it goes back, you know. So there's several different places. Chambers just means rooms, but, but it goes, it gets heated and then it kind of shuts off and then it goes back. So we're, we're, we're kind of seeing it from, from this perspective.

And the outline, just to kind of give you a heads up, this is why you don't want to miss any week in this series. Today is mostly just an introduction, but you don't want to miss any of this because we're going to be dealing next week with dating. So if you're single, we're going to talk about good ways to date, how God sees dating in the Song of Solomon. The following week is a big week because we are going to talk about the S word, sex. We're going to talk about sex, love, intimacy, physical attraction, all those things that are really good within marriage, within the con, uh, within the construct of how God designed it to be.

And it's going to be really good that week. So, so, um, I'm, I believe in, I'm believing I'm going to have a really full house that week and we're going to have to put out extra chairs for that one. Right. Okay. And then the next week we're going to talk about conflict.

Oh man, that's something that needs to be talked about. Right. Amen. Conflict. How do we handle conflict the right way?

And then, and then finally we're going to go into, which is the last few chapters of the book, uh, that talks about a mature relationships and faithfulness and, and how to have lasting relationships. So, so we're going to deal with a lot of different subjects. So there are three characters we're dealing with here. And if you're following the screens and following your notes, this might not be in your notes, but there's three people. Um, one is the lover and we call that Solomon.

That's Solomon. Cause it's the song of Solomon. And he's kind of taking it from that perspective. And we see in the books, she, um, the, the, the beloved, which is the second character, a Shulamite maiden is speaking to Solomon. They're kind of going back and forth.

So this is beloved. There's this lover they're talking. And then once in a while, there's a third group and that's the friends. There's the daughters of Jerusalem and they kind of jump in every once in a while, like, yeah, hooray, your relationship's so great, you know? And then they kind of step back and then they start having their thing.

So we got this like thing going on here just to kind of give you some perspective of what's going on here. So let's start, let's look at the scripture and the song of Solomon. Let's start with chapter one, verse one. And if you have your notes, they're in there. If you have your Bibles, you can turn to the song of Solomon.

We're just going to start from the very beginning or you can look up on the screen. I know I spoil you guys because y'all have it all over the place. Y'all have Bible all over the place. Okay. So there's no reason not to be able to follow.

So it says, Solomon's song of songs. Let us, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfume. Your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you.

I love how he says that in for your love is more delightful than wine. The way you love is delightful. And that's not, that's not just talking about her, what she's, uh, his love for her. What she's saying here as she starts to speak to the lover, uh, uh, is that it's the way you love people in general. When you walk in the room, when you're there, something happens in the atmosphere.

You just, the way you love people is attractional and, and it, and it does something and it's pleasing and the fragrance is like perfume. So it, it spreads throughout the room. Like when you walk in, people just like you, people love the way you love others and your name. And she talks about your name. That's who you are, uh, your, your character, everything about you.

It, it, it just permeates. And no wonder the maidens, no wonder the women like you, because this man apparently was a very attractive, as we know about Solomon, he was a very attractive man and, uh, and, uh, was, uh, you know, David was, was good looking and obviously saw. Solomon was probably good-looking, too, and there was some attractional value about it, but she's not talking about the physical attraction. She's talking about much more than that. She's going deeper here.

She says it's not even about you being good-looking, but there's something inside of you, something about you that's pleasing and desirable. It's your name, it's your reputation, it's the atmosphere of the room when you walk in. And then it goes on in verse 4, and this is where we're dealing with today's subject, and we're calling this Deeper Attraction. So we're just going to be dealing with attraction today, and she starts rolling into this topic of attraction. She says, Take me away with you.

Let us hurry. So she's like, take me. Come on. You're just so, you please me so well, and just you being here. Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Let him bring me into the bedroom. And friends, and here's what the friends say. They say, Rejoice and be delight, and we delight in you. We will praise your love more than wine. Now, right they are to adore you.

So what they're saying is, we rejoice and delight in your relationship. Man, you guys have got it going on. Look at you guys. Y'all are just, I mean, y'all got the best marriage. You got the best relationship.

Man, I hope to have that one day. So the maidens are speaking up, and they're talking about that. And then she says this, she says, Dark am I, yet lovely. Oh, daughters of Jerusalem, as she's talking to her friends. Dark like the tents of Kadar, like the tent curtains of Solomon.

The curtains of Solomon's palace were dark. And do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. Now, today, you know, dark is attractive. You know, oh, you can read this, say she's got a suntan, you know. That's good, you know.

But in that day, it wasn't attractive. Dark wasn't attractive. It meant that she was working in the field. She was out, and she was, there was hard, she had hard times on her. So, so attractionally, she may, as far as the darkness of her skin, it may not have been an attractional element.

And dark was bad. She was apparently a field worker. And she, she's saying, what she's saying is, so many people are attracted to the wrong things. Dark am I, but, but lovely. See, I have a better look at myself because of how he looks at me.

I have a better view of myself. He cares about something much deeper. His attraction goes a lot deeper. Don't, don't, it's like God, and, and this reflects God. God doesn't look at the things on the outside.

He doesn't look at man. He goes deeper. He goes to the heart of man. And that's what she's saying here, that he's looking in the inside, not the outside. Our attraction goes much deeper.

And then she goes on to say, my mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards. Meaning her brothers put her out in the field. The reason I'm dark and the reason why I have, you know, these harsh hands and, and I, I'm not like the fair ladies, you know, the princesses and all that who were, who were taken care of and, and, uh, have soft skin. My, my skin may be a little, a little harder, but I, I, but they were, these things were out of my control. And, and many people, you know, maybe your spouse has things about them.

They're out of their control. It's out of her control. And, uh, uh, and she says, uh, she had to make some decisions about her beauty, you know, about what she did and how she thinks about herself. And so she has an inner beauty about herself. I'm more beautiful than these, these, this physical appearance.

I'm more lovely than that. So she has, you know, her identity set. She understands who she is as a result of the one that loves her as a part of that process, but she's, she's figured it out. And she's saying, if I'm going to have a godly and best marriage and best relationship, it goes way past the physical. This can't be a fit, just a physical attraction.

The physical is good. And that, that, that has a place, but it has to go way past that. It has to go much deeper. It has to be a deeper attraction. So in verse seven, it says this, tell me you whom I love, where you get graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday.

So she's talking to him and says, yeah, he must have been, uh, the symbolism here is the shepherd, someone who takes care of people. And he's obviously a king. And he says, why should I be like the veiled women beside the flocks of your friends? So what she's saying here is the veiled women or the woman would be a, a prostitute. In those days, the women would veil themselves and they would decorate themselves up and they would go out into the fields and, and they would present themselves to the tired men who'd been working all day.

And perhaps they want a little loving and, and they would give themselves away to them. So he, she says, I'm not like them that I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be seduced. I don't want to seduce man. I don't, I want to do some things differently here.

And she says, I'm not, I'm looking at being different in my attractional, uh, presentation. And I'm not going to lower myself to that standard. And some of you today need to need to receive that, that you don't need to lower yourself to that standard. Okay. God has better plans for your relationships and better plans for your marriage.

And she's saying, I respect myself enough to know that God has something better for me. I respect myself enough to not be like other people, not be like the world tells me that relationships and sex and intimacy and all these things. I'm not going to go that route. I'm going to start from another standpoint who I am. I'm a deeper, I'm, I'm different than that.

And I am not going to be like the veiled woman. So I'm going to talk about three types of attraction today. Three types of attraction. The first one is spiritual attraction. If you have your notes, you could write that down.

Now, spiritual attraction, spiritual attraction. Did you know that the way you love God, the way you worship, the way you, you carry yourself, your, your hunger and thirst for God and things like that is an attractional quality. Did you know that? Did you know that, uh, uh, that some of the things that you may think are kind of foolish in your head are not necessarily foolish to those around you that are all that are believers and, and, and, and that share the same values that you share. Spiritual attraction is probably the most important thing.

It starts with spiritual attraction. That's, that's the foundation of all relationships of all marriages is the spiritual attraction component. And that is how much you love God. And, and so I'm going to give you three things underneath that sub, uh, kind of sub points there. And the first one is love and worship God.

The, the spiritual attraction component is the first of all, love and worship God. There's this thing called that we believe as a church is called expressive worship. We believe in open worship, worshiping God. And a lot of us have fears of that, I guess, so to speak. Maybe we don't understand it.

And I get that we're, we're non-denominational church. People come from different backgrounds and the way they worship and the way they present themselves to God. But expressive worship may not be something, uh, we use, we're, we're used to, but did you know the biggest book in the Bible talks all about it? It was important to God, so it should be important to us. And when you have a spouse that's openly worshiping God, yet men, look, I know, I know you're men and put your hands in your pocket and you look around and, you know, I don't know about this whole, but I'm telling you, man, if you get your hands out of your pockets and start lifting, lifting it to God, now it's not about the, the, the attractional part with the women necessarily, but if you start, you start focusing on God and, and opening your worship up to God, there's something very attractional about that.

Did you know that? Isn't it? There's an attraction. It's, it may stir your spouse up. You don't know what you're missing out on when they see you, you're evident.

of worship. And that's so important to God. God desires us to worship Him and lift our hands to Him. And it's like a ball game. You go to a ball game, right?

And what do you do? Oh, you're pulling for your team. You're shouting. You don't have any problems raising your voice and raising your hands when you're in a ball game, do you? I know I don't.

But when we come to church, we're so much more reserved, you know? We're like, you know, this is God. But God, man, I believe heaven is a celebration. It's a hallelujah, holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Just read Revelation where it talks about the people are coming together and they're glorifying God and they're celebrating God.

It's song and worship and praise and church should be a place of celebration. And don't be afraid to open up to God. I remember I talk about my friend Dwayne a lot who passed away of cancer a few years ago. He was part of our core group in our church. And I just remember how his heart developed towards God.

And it actually attracted me in some ways, you know, from a man's standpoint. I'm like, I want to be more like him. And I watched as the very first week he walked into that room, you know, and he was unfamiliar with church. He didn't grow up in church. He didn't know much about church.

I mean, he had, his family went in and out of church when he was younger. But I remember when we were in that, when we started the church, we started in this little, little room. It was a exercise type center, fitness center. And the floor was probably no bigger than this stage. And we would set up some camping chairs and, and yeah, the camping chairs days, you know, with the blue camping chairs and, and everybody would come together.

And I remember him walking in that room that very first day. And he sat there on the front and he didn't know what the heck was going on or these people kind of freaks or what, you know, and I remember him staring at me and just taking in every word I was saying, but he was very reserved, but he, but he came back again and again. And eventually he gave his life to Christ. And I watched that man. I watched that man go from being like this, just kind of looking around to doing this, to doing this, to doing this, to doing this.

And this was before cancer guys. This was before any of that. And he would just, I mean, there was something amazing about that. Everybody saw it and there was something beautiful about the worship of God. And, and that's what God desires for you.

And that's in a spiritual relationship. There's an attractional spiritual element when you guys are worshiping and loving and enjoying God together. So there's something beautiful about that. So it's time to break some barriers in our worship, that attractional spiritual element. Number two in the sub points is pursue.

You need to pursue your God given purpose, pursuing my God given purpose. Cause serving is attractional. Did you know that? And when you're walking in your purpose, when you know who you are in Christ, when you've defined who you are, see everybody desires purpose, right? And when you're walking in your purpose and you're leaning in on what God has called you to do, when you're focused on what he, he's doing, you know, that's attractional to them.

And for you dating people, if you're really struggling to find the right person, don't go to the bars, don't go to the clubs, don't go to the social engagements to try to just, just focus. I mean, there's, there's, there's times maybe you want to do that, but, but don't go to those places to look for your, your, your spouse. Look, just go to God. Start leaning in on your purpose. Who are you?

Start working for, for the Lord. Start, stop being, start attuning yourself to what God has called you to be and do. And I promise you, there's something very attractional about that. And guess what? The right woman's going to come into your life.

The right man's going to come into your life. And it's going to happen because you focused on the spiritual, not, not the physical. See, when you go to places to try to find people, the places that you probably shouldn't be at, you're going for the physical, right? You're looking for that babe, or you're looking for that hottie in there. That's all you care about.

But when you're focused on God, you're focused on the spiritual. God, you are going to bring the right person into my life. So I'm going to focus on you. So, so focus on your purpose. And, and we do that.

Attend lunch with Leon next week. And we'll talk a little bit about how we guide you into, into where you belong, who God defines you to be. And, and we have, we have a, a growth track here. We call it our salt life track, where, where you, you grow in the knowledge of who you are in Christ, your gifts, your abilities, and you put those together and you kind of discover, you want to discover who you are. And we, we are a church that wants to help you do that, whether it's in our small groups or whatnot, we want to help you discover who you are.

So you're, so pursue, I want to pursue my God-given purpose. That's what you want to do. And then thirdly, have godly standards. Have godly standards. What does that mean?

You need to draw some lines. If you're dating, you need to draw some lines. This is for most of you who are, who are single, or looking here. You, you, you, you need to draw some lines. And when you're in that second or third date, you need to have the talk.

You know, look, this is where we're going and this is where we're not going. This is where we're drawing the line. Because I refuse to be the veiled woman. I refuse to lower myself to certain standards. Here is what's going to happen.

Man, you can do that too. Man, you have the most responsibility in the relationship. Did you know that? You have the ability to say, no, we're not going there. You have the authority.

In fact, I blame, I push it on the man more than I push it on the woman. You know, you carry that role that we are not going to go here. We are not going to do that. So you need to draw some lines in your relationship. So looking at verse nine, let's, let's roll on here.

So Solomon is talking here. He says, he says, I liken you, my darling, to a mare harness to be of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels, and we will, and we will make you earrings of gold studded with silver. While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My perfume spread while the king was at his table, while the people were around.

Your perfume spreads its fragrance. So what is this, what is she communicating here? What's going on? So that, that word darling, when he uses the word darling, it really means my friend. It means I like you.

I like you. And, uh, it says, you are a, a mare. Now, um, just a little hint here, men do not call your wife a horse. Okay. That might not work.

You are a mare. In fact, I tried it on my wife the other day to see how she would respond. And actually she liked it. You know, I was preparing for this message. I said, you are a mare on the, on the chariots of, of, of Pharaoh.

And she, she kind of, she gave me a little heart with, with, uh, with, uh, you know, the smiley face with the heart eyes in it. And I'm like, wow, that backfired. I thought she was gonna be like, what? But let me just give you a warning. Don't do that.

It's symbolism. But what he's saying here is he's using words to express the priceless commodity she is. Because in that day, this, these horses, these, these mares that he was talking about that Pharaoh owned, nobody could afford these. These were priceless commodities. And he was comparing her to a priceless commodity, a thoroughbred horse that nobody could attain.

So this was actually something, this was, there was beauty in it. And he says, your cheeks are beautiful. So he's, he's, he's given this. Tender talk to her. Just giving her affectionate talk.

And long before he touches her, he is affirming her beauty. You get that? Long before he lays any hands on her and rubs her or does anything physically, he is affirming her beauty. He's talking about how beautiful she is. And then he goes on to say, while the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance.

So the king is publicly acknowledging her at his table and that makes her feel good. She's being acknowledged like, look at my beautiful bride. Look at her walk in the room. And it's spread like perfume. Again, there's that perfume talk again.

It's like perfume throughout the whole room. There's something beautiful, something wonderful about this. And my lover is to me like a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of Engeda. And this is way more than physical.

Even when he's away, she's thinking of him. So this physical thing is not happening yet. It's something emotional and something spiritual, which leads me to my next point. The next level of intimacy is emotional attraction. Emotional attraction.

Write that down. And I can promise you this. If you spend a little more time on emotional needs, if you spend a little more time trying to define what the emotional needs of that person that you're married to is or you're dating or what have you, it could make a world of difference. It will change everything. It will change everything.

We all have emotional needs, whether you're a man or whether you're a woman. There are emotional needs in every relationship. In fact, we walk through a book called Intimate Encounters. You can write that down by Dr. David Ferguson.

That's a great book you can go to if you need to kind of define some of those needs. He calls them relational needs, and he's actually narrowed it down to 10 needs, 10 needs that every couple needs to learn about each other. You know, and you have like a top three of those, and those are your relational or emotional needs. And it's important for us to look at those things and determine them because it really will make a difference in your relationship. So there's emotional attraction.

There's three areas real quick. And first of all, they want value. Everybody wants value. Value them. Value them.

I mean, you're like Pharaoh's horses. He put something on her. He said, you are so valuable. You are worth more than gold. You are worth more than silver.

You are a high commodity. She's the best of the best. He's the best of the best. And some of you in here are thinking about your spouse. You say, no, he's not the best of the best.

He's not. You don't know what he does. You don't know what I deal with. He nags. She nags me, and she talks this way to me.

And she's not. There's so many more people that are better than him. Let me just tell you this. If you don't like what you're seeing, look at what you're saying. Look at how you're talking to that person because when you're saying it, a lot of times he or she becomes it because you're creating that pattern, that talk, that thought process.

And if you will say it, they will become it. So start saying good things. Start valuing them. Raise the value. Raising value has power.

Raising value in people, it makes them feel good about themselves. It makes them feel like they can accomplish more and do more. So we need to raise the value. We need to honor them, and it empowers them. And even if they don't deserve it, because in most cases they probably don't deserve it.

But value them anyway. Do the right thing and value each other. And then speak life to them. Secondly, speak life to them. Watch your words.

Celebrate who they are. Men, tell your wives you're beautiful. You're beautiful. And that was something I kind of had to work on myself earlier in my marriage because that was something my wife liked to hear. She liked to be valued.

She liked to hear the words, you're beautiful. And now I tell her all the time, you're beautiful. You're wonderful. You're so smart. And it just makes her, it changes everything.

I'm telling you guys, it changes everything. And then, you know, women, talk to your men about what they're doing. We want to be edified. We want to know that we're doing things and accomplishing things or meeting goals, you know. When we go out and cut the grass, we don't just want to cut the grass.

We want to come in and say, thank you for cutting the grass. We want to hear that. Yeah, I accomplished that, you know. We want to be appreciated for that. When we're doing things around the house, when we're fixing things and whatever, when we're handling the finances, we want to be appreciated.

There's an appreciation principle. And this can be flip-flop. Some women want appreciation. That might be a relational need for them. I'm not really making it one or the other.

But in most cases, men want to be appreciated, and women want to be valued and lifted up. And appreciation goes a long way with men. We just want to know that we are accomplishing what our wives want us to do. And it really builds us up. And I do that with my, even with my daughter.

I tell her how beautiful she is. She thinks she's a princess, you know. She walks around, I'm a princess. Hey, I'm a princess, aren't I? Yes, you're a princess, baby.

Even when she's not a princess some days, she's mean. There's days since she could be really mean. Yeah, she could be really mean. In fact, she is mean, you know. But I want to edify her because so many people, what you speak to people, they become, right?

And here's the deal. If you don't speak life to them, somebody else will. But I believe that infidelity doesn't happen on a lustful level hardly ever. It doesn't start with lustful thoughts or attractive physical attraction. It's usually at an emotional level because they're getting something from that other person that you're not giving them.

They're not being edified. They're not being spoke to nicely. They're getting it when they're along with these people or when they're at work with these people or when they're around. They say things to them that those needs and it starts developing and then it enters into places that they never wish they had ever gone. So if you're not doing it, somebody else will.

And it's important to have honest conversations with your spouse about what you're saying and how you're approaching them and what they need. That's really the deal right there. We don't have honest conversations with each other. We just try to figure it out on our own. We need to sit down sometimes and say, what am I not giving you?

What kind of needs do you desire? What am I missing? And you need to have those talks. And then thirdly, think good thoughts about them. You know, I talked about thoughts a few weeks ago about the thought process and how the devil works through our thought process, our minds.

And you need to take captive those thoughts because Satan will twist those thoughts and you'll make arguments in your head. I've caught myself doing that. Like I'm upset about something that Miranda did and then I'm thinking, okay, I'm going to approach her about this and then she's going to say this and then I'm going to get mad and then she's going to get mad and I'm going to get madder. And then we're going to like, and I'm doing this all in my head and it's my thoughts going crazy. Maybe it could turn out a whole different way.

And if I thought properly about it, if I thought properly about it in the first place, it might have not gone there. So we need to have good thoughts. Don't walk around, oh, there's got to be a trust factor here, guys. And if the trust is the issue, that's a whole other thing to deal with. But we need to have honest conversations.

Think good thoughts. Don't think, oh, he's cheating on me. She's been away for a while. What's she doing? We can't.

Those are unhealthy thoughts. Unhealthy thoughts. And the devil will take one event and use it against you for the rest of your life. Rest of your life. Destroy your marriage.

Destroy your relationships. So take every thought captive. Think good thoughts about the person. And then in verse 15, I know I'm a little over time here. I apologize so much.

But the Song of Solomon, chapter 1, verse 15 through 17, it says, How beautiful are you, my darling? Oh, how beautiful. Your eyes are doves. How handsome you are, my lover. Oh, how charming.

And our bed is verdant, meaning it's lush. It means it's getting hot and steamy up in here, you know? And then it goes on to say, The beams of our house are cedars and our rafters are furs. So here's what we want to say. Here's the physical is good.

The physical is great. And there needs to be a physical piece to this, okay? Don't mistake that. The church has ignored that and jumped over that and avoided that and sidestepped that so much. And we need to be talking about it because the physical is important.

But the physical is good only, and the best, and the best only when it's done the right way. And when he says the beams, there needs to be structure in the house. There has to be the spiritual, and there has to be emotional before we can come to the physical. But the devil wants to pervert the physical because the physical is good, but the devil wants to pervert the physical, and he uses everything he can to pervert the physical. And then we have weak foundations, but we want to be built on cedars and furs.

We want to be built on hard structures that hold, that marriages, so a marriage can last. So my final one here is physical attraction. Physical attraction. Physical attraction is good. And I'm not going to deal with this too much today because I want to save this for week three.

But the Song of Solomon 2, 1 and 2 says this. She says, I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. Man, she's like so like, oh man, I'm so like about myself right now, you know, like because my husband has really lifted me up. This is a good thing. You don't want to be down about yourself.

You get confidence in yourself. I am a rose. I feel like a rose because my lover loves me. And how does he respond? He says, yes, like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.

Like she's the best. You know why? Because we kept everything in the right place. And now the next verse, she's ready to go because here's what she says. Strengthen me with raisins.

Now that doesn't mean a whole lot to us today, but that was oysters and chocolate for them that day, okay? I mean, they wanted raisins and apples as aphrodisiac, you know? So she's like, strengthen me with raisins. I'm ready to go, you know? Refresh me with apples for I am faint with love.

And his arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me. So she's ready to make out. Let's go. Let's go, you know? And then this happens, and it says, daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field.

Do, now take this, take this, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. And it quits there and rolls into the next scene. So she's ready to go. So you watch it as they go from this emotional to, or the spiritual to emotional to physical attraction. But then this wise man warns us, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires, until it's right time.

Daughters, don't let this take place. Like, do it the right way. The beams, the wooden beams of cedar and fir, let those be established first. Sex is a God-given thing. Thank God.

He wasn't up there in heaven like, Adam and Eve, stay away from each other, you know? Oh, that's disgust. What, you know, what are y'all, dogs? You know, it wasn't like that. He's like, this is a beautiful, I'm being graphic, I know.

But this is, this is, I got to get y'all to understand this and open up about your sex lives, okay? Sex is a good thing. Amen? All the congregations, sex is a good thing. Amen?

Amen. Okay. So we need to talk about this in church, but don't awaken it before it's time. God didn't look down from heaven and frown upon sex, but the order is important. And it, and it can be the most, intimacy, sex, and all those things can, can be devastating.

It can be the most destructive thing in your life if done wrong, but it can be the most, it can be the greatest thing in your life if done right. So we're going to talk about that in week three. So in conclusion, I want, I want to close with this thought. Now, you don't know, some of you are here and you're, you're, you're thinking about these things and you're probably thinking about all the marriages and relationships and divorces and things you did out of order. And you're probably feeling a little like, pastor, do you think God can give me a healthy relationship at this point in my life?

I've done it wrong for so long. And I have a tremendous past and God, God doesn't want me. God doesn't care. I mean, I've done so many bad things and that's, that's where we always come. I just had a conversation with someone the other day and, and they were like, you know, I just feel so guilty.

I don't even want to, you know, sometimes I don't even want to be in small groups because I, I, I feel like there's some things in my life that just aren't right. That's the whole point though, is that God wanted us regardless. The process of becoming more like him is that we come in ugly. We come in with all this baggage. And when I came to Christ, I wasn't, I, I wasn't perfect.

And my goodness, I'm still not now. I make a lot of mistakes. I make, it's just a process. I got a long way to go, but the point is that God's grace is sufficient. His love.

And what this book is showing us is, it's a greater spiritual reality of God's love for Israel and Jesus' love for the church and for you individually. And when I came to Christ, I was imperfect. I was an imperfect being. You're an imperfect being. And the reason your relationships go wrong is because you're imperfect, but God is perfect.

And he brings the perfect for it. We are made perfect through him. So I make this statement here. We come to love, not by finding the perfect person, which many of us are trying to do, but by seeing the imperfect person here perfectly. By seeing the imperfect person perfectly.

And it's, and that's the miracle of what God does in our lives. He comes into our lives. He comes into our hearts and he starts changing us from the inside out. He works through us. It's not the outside in.

I need to quit this. I need to do this. I need to work on this. I've had so many bad relationships. I've had all these things and we're so discouraged.

And that's what Satan wants us to say. He wants to take it from a legalistic standpoint and say, you know, you've done all these bad things. There's no way you can be a child of God. You might as well just give up and move on and not worry about it anymore. Just go live the way you want to in your life, in everything.

Go down a destructive path because you're just worthless anyway. But God says, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are valued. You are valued. And I want so much more for you.

And that's why I give you these instructions. That's why I give you these principles, and some of them may be hard, but they're there for you. But if you would just give me an opportunity, and this is free, he says, this is what grace is all about, to come into your life, where you are, so that I can demonstrate my glory, because I could show you that I could transform your entire world. I could transform your life. If you would just open your heart and let me in.

Open your life, because I have the answers. So with all heads bowed and all eyes closed, as we close this out, there's somebody here today that hasn't opened their heart to receive Jesus. There's somebody in this room today that's been, and you've been pulled, and you've been convicted, and conviction is good. Conviction just means the Holy Spirit's drawing you because he wants you, and he loves you, and he wants you to know Jesus. Come, my child, come.

Maybe you've turned away from God a long time ago, and it's time, and maybe your heart's open again, and you're like, Lord, you know, I used to walk with you, but I strayed, but I'm ready to come back to you. Maybe that's you today, and you're being pulled. Today is the day to, right now is the time to give you life. You're not promised tomorrow. He can make you perfect.

He can make you new. He can transform. If that's you today, if you would just gently raise your hands and say, Pastor, I'm with you. I'm ready. I want to pray with you as we're getting ready to pray a prayer.

It's at you today. Amen. Everybody else, if you pray this prayer with me, let's just all do it together. Just pray in your hearts with me. Everybody here, maybe some of you didn't raise your hand today.

Some of you raised your hand, but some of you may have not today. If you would just pray this with me, and just believe in your heart. There's no magic in it or anything like that. Just believe it in your heart. Lord Jesus, I believe that you are the Son of God, that you died on the cross for my sin, and I know that your grace is sufficient even in my imperfection.

So God, come into my heart. Come into my life. Change me from the inside out. Make me new. I receive you today.

I'll walk from this day forward in you, Lord. Come, transform me. Sanctify me. Fill me with your Holy Spirit so that I can walk this life out in the goodness and glory of who you are, knowing that it's better on this side.