The Vow of Pursuit

We are in our Vows series. I love Relationship Series and I hate Relationship Series. You know, because I'm often challenged myself and as I look through the material and I'm studying for this, man, it challenges me in my own marriage and I know I have to do some things to correct myself and God really convicts me. And that's a good thing.

When your pastor's being convicted, that's some powerful stuff there. So we started our series last week on vows and the idea, most of you know what vows are. I mean, most of you in here are smart people. All of you are smart people. And you know, when you walk in into a wedding ceremony, you hear vows or maybe you were married and you made vows to your other half.

And there's a lot of surroundings of marriage and commitment and promises around vows. Unfortunately, in the day we live, promises, pledges, vows don't mean a whole lot. And we've brought them into our marriage. We've brought them into our relationships. And the Bible has something better for us.

God has something much better for us. Yet, we often choose less than what God wants for us. So as we look into the Word of God, as we go to you know, Jesus about what should we do in our relationships? How can we have better relationships? And we get this from our theme verse in the Song of Songs or the Song of Solomon, if you want to call it that.

And I love the Song of Solomon, Song of Songs. Some people think it's written by Solomon. Others think it may have been another writer. But regardless, it's one of those like, ooh, books, you know? Like, wow.

In the Jewish culture, they couldn't even, unless you were a certain age, I believe 18 years old, you couldn't even dip into the book of the Song of Songs. So, but we can learn a lot from this book. And chapter eight, verse six and seven, I've picked a theme verse for this series here to kind of pitch and push this idea of promises and vows and how important it is that we can have a love. Because love is just one of those things that people just kind of see as a dating relationship. And then you can be in love one day and the next it's gone.

And we often make our decisions on how we feel, right? That's kind of our vow. Our vow, well, you know, till death to us, well, maybe if I don't feel so good about the relationship, I'm out, right? So we want to go to the Word of God to look at this. And here's what it says, place me like a seal over your heart.

Let me give you some context here as I jump into this. This is a lady talking to her man, right? And she's talking about her beloved and how much she adores him and how much she loves him and how excited she is to see him again. So it's kind of like a love letter and you're going back and forth and throughout the Song of Songs, you see this poetic, beautiful look at how a relationship should work. It says, place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on my arm.

For love is as strong as death. It's jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire. It's like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love.

Rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned. So what she's saying here is like, I want you to keep me like a seal, like a ring, like a signer over your heart. I want to be the most important thing in your life. I want to be the most precious thing.

And I want you to make a promise to me today that you are going to love me because the real love, a powerful love, even when the rivers come, even when the waters break the dams and come in and the creeks fill and things cannot hold on. It seems like life is just rushing at you. Things are happening all around you. Love will withstand if we just hold on to me. So she's speaking of vows, making a vow to her that you're going to be with me till the end.

And we get this picture, this beautiful picture. And last week we talked about priority and how if we get our priorities wrong, then we don't really experience the life that God can have for us in our relationships. But if we have our number one, which is God, and our number two, which is our spouse, and we put it in that order and not put the three, fours, and fives up in the middle and on top of that, then we can have a beautiful relationship. You can go back and hear that online if you missed it last week. But next week's going to be a really good one.

We're going to talk about partnership. Unfortunately, and I've canceled, I'm not a great professional counselor or anything. I'm not a professional or anything like that. But a lot of the marriage relationships I talked to, there's a lack of partnership. And partnership is a covenant partnership.

We bond together, we do things together, we make decisions together, we share everything together. So it's like a partnership. It's like a business partnership almost. We're going to talk about that next week. And I've got a lot of good information about that, and I think it will help and bless you.

So don't miss next week, the vow of partnership. But this week, we're going to talk about pursuit. Pursuit. Godly pursuit. Y'all are kind of quiet this morning.

That's okay. Are y'all okay? Amen. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I hear that. Thank you. Amen. Amen.

Pursuit. You're supposed to say amen when you hear pursuit, because this is going to be a little bit steamy here, okay? So I'm going to start off by saying this. This sentence here, if you're following your notes, you have notes in your bifold, it says, we naturally gravitate to pursue what we don't have. We naturally gravitate to pursue what we don't have.

Think about it. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, right? And when we don't have it, we tend to pursue it, right? And we pursue it with everything we have. But once we have it, we don't pursue it as much anymore, do we?

I think about me and Miranda when we first started dating, all the things that I would do in our marriage or our dating relationship. And even when we were first married, I would go way out of my way. She would go way out of her way for me. I mean, when we first started dating, it was like staying up all night, talking on the phone. Do y'all remember that?

Yeah. Sometimes you didn't even know what to say. You just started, you just breathed. You're like, so how are you doing? I'm good.

So what did you do today? And you just stayed on, I mean, it was just like worthless, right? You just kind of, kind of, you stayed on the phone all night, you know? You drive across town to get something that they wanted, you know? Taco Bell was closed.

She wanted a crunch wrap, so I went to the Taco Bell two exits down to get, you know, a crunch wrap or something like that. You know, little things like that you would do. And we were in graduate school and we didn't have much. And, you know, we would spend our life savings just to go out on a nice date because it was worth pursuing, right? And I went off to Kenya on a missions trip during graduate school, and it was a two-week trip to Africa.

And Miranda did one of the most precious things. She put together a note package and hand-wrote notes for each day I was gone, like all 2014, 17, 21. I think I was actually gone 21 days. I can't remember exactly, but she had notes. And I would open up a note every morning, every morning, and she had written something special about me and how much she appreciated me.

And I still have those notes. And it is just something that we do in our marriages, especially when they first start. But, and everyone has a story. You know, you drove overnight to do something. You spent your whole life savings probably on a concert or some kind of tickets or something like that.

Or you, you've sat on the phone and just breathed, right? You just talked all night. But ask yourself, are you still pursuing your spouse? Are you still doing this? Are you still going out of your way for your spouse?

So what happened over those years? You know, if you have, you're not. What, what, what came into the picture? What keeps you from still doing that? Why have we stopped pursuing, stopped working on our marriages?

Ask yourself that. Have you stopped working on your marriage? Have you stopped pursuing her? Because frankly, life just gets busy and we get tired and there's a lot of things going on, right? But if you think about it, anything worth having is worth pursuing.

Anything worth having is worth pursuing. And if we don't pursue, we don't have it. If we don't work for it, we don't have it. We often don't like to work. Kind of, you know, a lazy culture in some respects, you know, because we really don't want to work for things.

But I guarantee you, if you work for something, it will happen, right? It will, it will work out for you. You can't be lazy and expect improvement, right? Think about your body. You can't just wake up one morning and be, you know, yeah, oh, look at me, you know, Spider-Man or something like that.

You know, well, what happened? You know, I got bit by a spot. You know, that's just not going to happen, right? You actually got to get up early, go to the gym, put it in your day, go through the routine of getting in shape. You got to put a little work to it.

You don't just grow a business out of thin air, right? You've got to put a little work into it. You've got to get marketing strategies. You got to build the money. You got to build the assets.

You got to put things together. You got to make it work. It requires a little work. If your yard, if you want a nice yard, you got to put some work into it. Get in the backyard and front yard and work it and trim the hedges, put the grass out and hire people like Mark here to get out there and do it, you know, if you want to be a little, you know, but you still got to make that money to be able to pay him good money because he does it well, right?

So there's always effort involved in order to get a great outcome. But if your grass doesn't look green, it's time to water it. If your grass doesn't look greener than the grass over there, it's time to water it. So we need to look at the vow we made, the promise we made, the pledge we made. We need to go back and remember that and begin to work on it.

And if you begin to work on it, you will see things. And I got some things here I think will help you in your relationship. And if you follow me through this series, if you follow me through the next couple of weeks, I guarantee you God's got something special for your marriage that you can work through. So the first vow we learned last week, I promise, and y'all made this vow with me, I promise that God will be my first priority and my spouse will be my second. This week we're going to make this priority.

I promise to always pursue my two. You like that? Kind of rings, right? I promise to always pursue my two. If you're following your notes, fill in those blanks.

I promise to always pursue my two. Last week we hit on this scripture and we're going to kind of deal with the last part of the scripture a little more today. And this is the leave and cleave scripture. If you grew up in church, if you grew up in church or knew anything, you know this scripture. You know to leave and cleave, right?

You kind of preach it and you talk about it and everybody else talks about it. But here's what it says, Genesis 2, 24. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. The key word here is and is united. Is united.

You are united to your wife. When you make that promise, when you walk that aisle, you are united. United to your wife. The Greek word, debak. Can you say that with me?

Debak. You got to kind of put a little k in there. Debak. And when I listened to the actual Hebrew language of it, when I was studying it and stuff, I was like, it was even kind of cooler than that. I'm just not capable of doing that.

But it means this, to cling or abhere, to catch by pursuit, to unite. So you go back to the scripture, you are to leave your mother and father and be united. You are to cling together, to catch, to pursue, to pursue hard with affection and devotion is what that means. So we are pursuing our wife. We are clinging to our wife.

We leave the mother and father. The most important thing in our youth is our mother and father, the people who raised us. We leave them and then we pursue, we cling to those. There's three different verses in the Bible that kind of explain or are used in their different context of what this word means, united. It says, the psalm is a great example of this.

Psalm 63, 8. It says, I follow close behind you. Follow close. Follow close. The second one, Job 41, 17.

They are joined fast. Joined fast to one another. They cling together and cannot be parted. Judges 20 and 45 says, they pursued hard after them. They pursued hard.

So you see this word is used in different contexts. To follow close. To join fast together. To pursue hard. Pursue hard after.

So we want to pursue hard after the wife of our youth. Pursue hard after them. The husband of our youth. Our spouse. We want to pursue hard after them.

So my question then is, how far would you go? How far would you go to pursue your spouse? Maybe you have many years behind you. Maybe you're in your first years of marriage. I don't know where you stand right now, but how far would you go?

And where are you now? And how far would you go to pursue your spouse? One of the best stories in the Bible of a man who stayed steadfast and pursued his wife was Jacob. Jacob is the son of Isaac and, you know, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob. You know, you hear God.

He's the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob. You know how that goes, you know, in the movies and stuff, you know. I guess everybody kind of thinks that God probably has his deep voices, you know, when he speaks over the mountain. I don't know. The Bible tells me he kind of whispers to us, but this is Jacob.

And one of the best stories of pursuit is between Jacob and Rachel. And to kind of give you the story and to paraphrase the story so I don't have to read through the whole scripture is Jacob is coming from a place, from a land, running from his brother. He and his brother got in this argument and or after him, he kind of cheated his brother out of some things. So he's come across to another place to settle, and he's looking for a place to really just settle down, work, and enjoy life a little bit. So he finds this man called Laban, and Laban is a sheep herder.

He's a shepherd. And he has these two daughters. One was Rachel and one was Lee. And the thing about this is he looked at Rachel, and the Bible says she had a lovely figure and was beautiful. And he was after Rachel.

He wanted Rachel. Lee, on the other hand, had weak eyes. What does that mean, weak eyes? Well, in the original Hebrew that probably means Lee had a great personality, you know. She was a sweet girl, but she had a great, you know, she wasn't much to look upon.

So Laban makes a promise to Jacob, or kind of a deal with Jacob, and that's what you did back then. You kind of set up your daughters with somebody, and it was kind of a cultural thing. Your parents picked your spouse, and he said, I'll work for you for seven years to earn Rachel's affection. I'll give you seven years, and Laban and him made that agreement. And seven years had passed, and it came time.

The marriage happened, and hang with me, I don't know how this happened. I don't know how he didn't know. But he goes and consummates the marriage, and he wakes up the next morning, and it's Lee. And he's like, oh, no. Like, oh, you're not Rachel.

I mean, how do you not know? I guess, yeah, I don't know. I guess I have to study that a little more and see what the culture was back then, and how you don't know, how do you not know who you married, you know. But it was Lee. And he goes back to Laban, and he says, I can't believe you've done this.

You know, you promised me Rachel, and this. And he says, well, you know, if you work for me for seven more years, seven more years, I will give you Rachel. But what I didn't know about this scripture, because I thought, well, okay, he worked seven long years, he persevered, and he finally got Rachel. But if you read scripture, he actually allowed Rachel to be with him and marry him at that moment. But he had to stay and work seven long years.

So what does that mean? He began to work while he had what he wanted. So while he had her, he worked for it. Seven long years, he slaved under Laban and had Rachel, and he worked for her. He pursued her.

For seven years, he kept consistent with what he was doing. The question is, are we willing to work for what we already have? It's easy for us, again, to gravitate to what we don't have and work for what we don't have and pursue hard after what we don't have. But how about what we have? What God has already given us.

The marriage we already have. The relationship we already have. Are we willing to work for what we have? And the question is, are we taking what we have for granted? Are we taking what we have for granted?

And I guess some of you probably could share some stories with me of taking for granted what you have or what you had. You could share some really good stories with me. And I'd love to sit down with people who've actually been through a first marriage and just realize what they've messed out, you know, the things that they've taken from it. And I've actually had people pull other people to the side who are messing up in their marriages and say, you don't know what this could do to you if you make this decision. If you make this decision.

And so today, I'm just telling you, those of you who are married, don't take for granted what is communicated by God today. Take this seriously. Because God wants the best for your marriage. He wants everything you can possibly have for your marriage. And it's not easy.

Marriage just isn't easy. Like I said, it's challenging. Very, very, very challenging. I deal with it every week. Miranda and I are going through everything.

It's shaping us, but it's hard. It's just hard. I can't put it in any other words. It's just hard. But I promise that if you pursue, that you always pursue your two, you're going to have a great, great marriage.

Now, if you're not married, you're dating, let me just say this real quick. Don't date someone who takes you for granted. Don't date anybody who takes you for granted, who doesn't take you seriously. You can see the warning signs. Let's just talk about the girls for a minute.

Does he ever dress up for you? Is he ever creative? Does he go out of his way any? Or the idea of a date is, let's go clean my car. Let's go clean my truck, you know?

I mean, is that the idea of a date, you know? What is he doing? Don't date someone because here's the truth. You are worth pursuing. You are worth pursuing.

You are worth every bit of it. Look for the warning signs. Look for the red flags. Talk about these things as you're dating or courting someone. Think about those things.

Does he go out of his way for you? Does he do special things for you? Guys, it applies to you as well. Does she take you for granted? Does she, you know, do something special for you?

Does she bake cookies for you? Or perhaps, you know, are you ever in a photo with her, you know? Like, you know, everybody does selfies these days. And there's been dating relationships where it's kind of funny. I always see the girl up there and with her friends and with other guys.

And like, where's the guy, you know? Like, is he taken for granted, you know? Does she respect you in front of people, you know? Or does she kind of make silly comments about you in front of people? You know, you are worth pursuing too.

There's a lot of things that can be involved in your dating relationship. You are worth pursuing too. And while our intentions could be good, we've got to look at the actions. So I want to talk a little bit about closing the gap between intentions and actions. I talked about this a few years ago.

And I'm telling you, this kind of rocked some people's, I mean, it's so simple. It's so simple, the intentions. Because our intentions could be good. Nobody intends to have a bad marriage, do they? Nobody intends to wake up one day and say, I've been divorced and my kids.

I don't get to see them like I want to. I've been, you know, we're splitting our income now. And I'm paying alimony and doing all. Nobody gets to the end of their life and says, you know, man, I'm glad I just went through four divorces. You know, nobody does that.

Nobody, I'm so glad I'm alone, you know. And I'm so glad that I screwed up that marriage and I messed up that marriage. Nobody, nobody at the end of all of that ever says my intentions were to have a bad marriage or bad relationships. Nobody ever gets to that. Nobody ever thinks that way.

Right? Most of us have good intentions and we want to feel love and give love. But the truth is, life is hard. We become bogged down. We're tired, you know.

You get tired at times and things happen. So, here's some practical questions. Three practical questions I want you to ask yourself. Very real questions in your relationship. And it's fairly easy.

It's fairly simple. You're going to be like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense, you know. So, follow with me on this. So, number one. Number one, when you think of something good, when you think of something good, do you say it?

When you think of something good, when something pops in your head, do you say it? Do you make a nice comment to somebody, to your spouse, when... When it pops in your head, I really need to, you know, do we do that? Seriously, ask yourself that. Open up, just ask yourself that.

Am I saying the right things when it's the right thing to say? Hebrews 3.13 says, but encourage one another daily. Encourage one another daily as long as it is called today. So as long as today is today, encourage people.

Encourage your spouse. Encourage others so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. Live by this. Make it a habit. You know, you can make a habit of encouraging your spouse.

You can make a habit of encouraging people in general. More importantly, you need to be making it a habit to encourage your spouse over anybody else. Sometimes I get caught up in this. I'm encouraging everybody else. Hey, you know, and I forget to encourage my spouse.

Sometimes I'm announcing how great my dream team is and how these leaders do great and stuff. And sometimes my wife just pulls me to the side after church and says, you know, you never tell me how special I am, you know? And I'm like, oh, but you know you're special. I know that, but I like to hear it in front of people. Amen.

See? Thank you for that. And we need to do that. A source of encouragement. We need to make a habit of it.

So let me ask you this. First of all, men, you need to pursue her with words of affection. Words of affection. What do you mean by that, pastor? I do that.

I'm talking about non-sexual affection, guys. Non-sexual affection. Sometimes your spouse doesn't want to feel like a piece of meat. She actually wants to feel important, right? She wants a non-sexual, you know, man, we're just so, I mean, we're so messed up sometimes, you know?

Like we just, you know, she's like, can you take out the trash, honey? I'll take out your trash. You know, we can just make something dirty out of anything, right? I mean, we need to rotate the tires today, honey. I'll rotate your tires.

You know, it just, I mean, we can, we could do it. We could do it. Yeah, I mean, we got it. We're out of groceries. We need to grab some groceries.

I'll grab your groceries. You know, just, that's just how guys are made up. And I'm not saying all guys are like that, but most guys are. And if we don't say it, we're thinking it, right? We're thinking it.

You know, sometimes you need to say, I love you because blank. That's what I mean by affection. I'm not talking about, ooh, you know, come here, baby. You know, sometimes that's necessary, okay? That's good.

I mean, if you're not doing that at all, then I'm glad you're attracted to your wife. That's a good thing, right? Do it, do it, do it. But sometimes they just need to know they're appreciated. Sometimes they need to know that you are proud of them.

Sometimes, you know, hey, baby, I thank you because you're a woman of God, and you honor God because you're a good wife, and you do amazing things, or you're so much fun. I enjoy being around you. Sometimes they just want to hear things like that. I enjoy being around you. I enjoy being with you.

I just enjoy that. Or you're my best friend. My wife loves for me to tell her how smart she is. You know, you're so intelligent, and I'm not saying that to be funny. I mean, she really is a very intelligent person.

She was top of her class in every school she was in. You law students over here know that. She was, you know, third in law school and didn't even hardly try, and it just makes me sick, you know? These guys are working around the clock trying to study for tests, and she's like, oh, I'm ready. You know, it's just how she is, but she loves, she loves, loves me to praise her for how intelligent she is and how worth it is to have her and how much I love her, and you need to be, you need to practice that with your spouse.

Tell them, show them affection. Show them that you really, truly appreciate them and love them for who they are and what they bring to your life. Like, your life would just be incomplete without them. They need to know that. And ladies, pursue him with words of affirmation.

This is a little easier for me because I'm a guy. I can preach on this a little more. I got that from my wife, and I can give this to you guys. Ladies, we need affirmation. I love to hear from my wife, you know, after I put a sermon together, I speak, and I get home, and she just says, hey, that was great, Leon.

You just, I love how you did that and did that. It just makes me feel good. And, you know, it's hard sometimes because us men are so hard-headed, and it's easy to tell us you need to do things better. You need to get things right. But it's about changing our mentalities a little bit on both sides of the house, you know.

Don't tell him what he's not. That's the key. Don't tell him what he's not. Yeah, there's a lot of things we're not. But don't tell him what he's not.

Speak into what he is or what he's becoming. Because the things you speak into his life are going to become. There are things that you're pushing for and you're promoting that are going to become. Look at him. If he's not a spiritual leader, which in a lot of cases that is the case, if he's not a spiritual leader, you know, just encourage him in those areas that he's becoming.

Honey, I love it when you take me to church and you're with us and we pray together. That really, that just makes me feel so special. You're so good. I feel close to you when I'm in church and you're closer. When you said that prayer, you know, at dinner, and it might have been, God is great.

God is good. Who knows? But I love it when you pray. I love it when you pray during the meal. And I, it just makes, it just, it turns me on.

You know, you can even throw that in there, you know. Oh, yeah. I love it when you do that. You know, speak into, to what you want him to become, what he is becoming. Affirm him in those areas.

Man, she wants to know, do you love me today? And ladies, he wants to know, do you believe in me today? Do you believe in me today? So, when you think of something, do you say it? When you think of something nice, do you say it?

Second question, when you think of something special, do you do it? James 14, 7, 4, 17, excuse me, says, if anyone then knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them. Pretty strong words from James. But it can apply to our relationships, too. If, if, if we don't, if we know we're supposed to do something good and don't do it, that, that sometimes is as good as sin in our relationships.

Don't think about it, just do it. It's, it's, it's, uh, I know it's kind of, kind of silly, but a lot of times I think of doing something and I stop for a minute and I start thinking about it and I let it, well, she's not going to like that. It's going to be silly. She's going to think it's goofy. You know, I don't, you know, I mean, is it going to be, is she going to laugh at me?

You know, like sometimes we let all these things get in our head about, uh, I want to do something, but what if it turns out the wrong way? I think it's better off to actually do it. It's better off, just do it. Just do it. I mean, come home early one day, bring some flowers and some candies.

I don't know if something they like, some, some girls may not want candies, but they might want something. Maybe, maybe you got the ability to buy a diamond ring. I don't know. Bring one home, right? Come home and, and maybe, maybe make lunch.

Uh, uh, uh, ladies, maybe buy. Buy a game ticket for your guy and just do something nice, you know? Maybe you don't like musicals, I don't know, but maybe she does. Do something for her. There's all kinds of things you do.

Hey, guys, take care of the kids once in a while. Give them some baths, you know? These dirty little kids at home. Mommy's trying to do it all, you know? And I know you're tired when you get home from work and you want to sit down and watch TV and your game's coming on, but, you know, go in there and help them.

Help them with the dishes. Get some things ready. You know, there's all kinds of things we could do. You know, maybe you could pack some bags for the kids, send them to a babysitter, go rent a hotel. You know, go out for the weekend.

Do something spontaneous. Maybe it's a weekday. You just take off. Let's just go. Let's go.

Let's get ready to the kids. Let's go somewhere. If you think something special, do it. Just do it. And maybe fill the gas tank once in a while, right?

Write a thoughtful note. Make the bed. All kinds of different things we could do. Now, let me make this statement here. Sometimes it's nice to share and enjoy the things your spouse enjoys.

Now, I know that we don't enjoy the same things in most cases that somebody else enjoys, but it's nice to just be a part of it. What I love about my father-in-law is he's a great salesman. He sells insurance. He made a living on it, but he can connect with anybody on anything. If he knows nothing about it, you think he wants to know everything about it.

And he knows everything about everything. If you talk to him, if you say, oh, I'm a lawyer. Oh, so you know, you know, you've been talking about, oh, I'm a, Bobby, Bobby, who used to be our greeter at the door, was an MMA fighter. You know, he was a fighter and stuff, and my father-in-law came up and started talking to him, and he knew all the history of boxing and fighting and all this stuff. And Bobby came up to me, how does he know all that?

You know, like he's not, those are things that I would only know because I was in the industry. I mean, he knew details about things. He just knows how to get into people's, and it isn't that he's really excited about all these things. He's just interested in people. And I think about that in my own relationship.

How can I just love the things my wife loves and really enjoy them? And it's hard at times because she's got a lot of different interests than I do. I have a lot of different interests than you. We just don't share the same interests. It's just how it is.

We're different types of people. She loves Doctor Who, you know? Funny thing is, I started, I watched Doctor Who before she did. I introduced her to it. She took off with it.

But I was like, you know, it's not really my thing. I enjoy watching it, but it's not really my thing, and I don't have to watch it. But you know what I do? I sit down, and I say, what's the doctor doing today? What's going on?

You know, I'm asking. She's just kind of getting into it. You know, like he went through this time warp and this, that, and did that, and all this science fiction-y stuff, you know, that's going on. And she's explaining space-time continuum, time travel, all that kind of stuff, you know? And this is how it works, and this is what's going on.

And she knows about the actors and their lives and all that kind of stuff and British stuff. I mean, just really into it. And I get into it, and now that's easy for me because, you know, I can enjoy series and things like that. But this was the hardest thing for me, and I kind of did this wrong at first. She loved this show called The Great British Bake Off.

Oh, my gosh. I'm trying to get through it. And you get home, and you're tired, and you just want to cut on TV and just kind of enjoy something and not think about anything. And here's The Great British Bake Off. You know, she's got it on Netflix, and she puts it on.

And I'm just like, oh. Oh, they all talk with us, you know? I'm not, my uncle's British. I love British people. I'm not, I'm just, I'm just saying it is, it is so dry.

And Miranda's really into that, and she, they'll make a little, little, little joke, you know? And she's, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I'm like, he, he, he, you know? I don't get it. What was that joke supposed to be about, you know?

They were making little witty comments here and there about the food and stuff. And she, I mean, she was binge watching it. And, and I'm like, do we have to watch this all evening? And I said, you know what? She told me a little later, she says, you don't have to have an attitude about it if you don't like it.

I mean, just, I watch stuff with you all the time that I don't like. But you like it. No, I don't, I just pretend. I said, okay, that's good. So I made an effort the next time.

I said, okay, what's going on? You know, I sat down. I said, okay, that's a, that cake is, she just blew up. She just, she just got excited, you know, just, just like a fire. Oh, yeah, that's, that, that cake, it's, they, they call that in England this and that.

And they put this and, and everything's different. It's not the same as, and I'm like, oh, really? I didn't know that, you know? And just her, her world lit up. And then, and then, you know, it just kind of worked.

And, and sometimes we need to share. We need to share in the things that we don't necessarily like. Kind of learn to like them and enjoy them. Take them somewhere that you don't, you may not be a, you might not be in musicals. You might not be into musicals.

You might not be into certain things. But, you know, go out and, and be a part of their lives. Enjoy the things they enjoy. Do something with your spouse. If he loves golf, you know, go out and ride in the cart with him and enjoy it.

Celebrate him. Join in the things that you and he enjoy together. You need to learn to enjoy things together. Did I mention Comic-Con? That's happening this summer.

And I might even dress up. George, you got a Doctor Who coat or something? I can, yeah, yeah, he's got me. He's got me hooked up, okay? So that might happen this summer.

It will happen. It will happen. Enjoy the things your spouse enjoys. If they, if you, if you think something's special, are you, are you actually doing it? And thirdly, when you want something different, will you be it?

This is, this is, this is a big one. When you want something different, will you be it? Am I becoming the person I am looking for, is looking for? That was a popular statement that Andy Stanley said in a dating book and also in a series, talking to singles. And that's something you need to ask yourself.

Are you becoming the person you're looking for, is looking for? When you get frustrated with the constant search for the right person, are you focusing on yourself? And in the same way you can apply that to your marriage, are you becoming the spouse you are looking for, is looking for? Are you becoming that spouse, that special person that your spouse is looking for? First of all, it starts with us.

It starts with that. So before we go in complaining, if only she would do this, if my husband would, would be a better spiritual leader. Don't gripe about what your spouse is not doing. It just continue to grow into what you are supposed to be doing. That's the key to it all right there.

Growing into the person you are to be doing. If you want something different, will you be it? I'm going to just do a little pitch for our small group that meets on Sunday nights. We're doing a book called Divine Ability. It's called Intimate Encounters.

I almost said Divine Encounters. That's a good book, too, but Intimate Encounters, written by David Ferguson, and it takes you through steps of building a relationship. It talks about these these 10 relational needs they've pinned down. He's, in his research, these 10 relational needs that each of us have, and trying to find those relational needs, and then working on meeting the relational need of that other person, and he teaches it as if it's magic. It's hard, but it's magic.

So, meeting them with other interests in mind, and not my own, is kind of the key to that, that those relational needs. Just with her interest in mind, with his interest in mind, and not my own. And, they have this chart, we just studied this past week, and bear with me here. The pot, there's, there's these, there's this chart, it says, the positive outcomes start with needs met, the met needs. So, you start with met needs.

You find the relational needs of that individual. You meet their needs, and it brings out an outcome, and it works through a scale. So, you meet the relational needs. Say those relational needs are attention, affection, appreciation, and comfort. And, you start meeting the need for attention.

Your spouse needs attention. You're showing her more attention. You're showing him more attention. You're showing her more affection. You're showing him more affection, or appreciation, or comfort.

And then, they start having this truthful thinking about themselves. And, from that truthful thinking of themselves, there's a positive feeling that comes out of that truthful thinking. And, out of that positive feeling is a productive behavior. And, those productive behaviors can be a healthy family, caring relationship, strong character, growing faith. But, if we start with unmet needs, it can be quite painful.

So, if we're not meeting the relational needs of other people, perhaps being ignored, disapproved, or rejected, or criticized, then, there's a faulty or unhealthy thinking about ourselves that comes out of that. And, then, negative feelings come from that. And, then, it produces a behavior. And, then, you have conflict in your family. You have poor character, personality disturbances, problems in living, and immaturity in your marriage.

And, all those things come out of that. And, it all starts with these simple meeting each other's needs. Learning about the other person. Learning about myself. What am I doing wrong?

It starts with you. And, it doesn't start, hey, you need to work on that relational need and fix that for me. You know, it doesn't start there. We learn. I need to meet her.

She needs to meet my relational needs. I need to meet her relational needs first. And, it starts there. And, there's a truth in this. In scripture, in Matthew 10, 8.

The first part of, the second part of 10, 8. It says, freely you have received, freely give. Freely you have received, freely give. And, the principle of that is, as our needs are met, we experience an overflow of love and gratitude to God that enables us to give freely to others. That could be our spouse, that could be our children, that could be others around us.

It gives us the liberty. It gives us the freedom. It gives us a breakthrough to be able to meet the needs of our spouse, of others. Because, our needs are being met. So, how does that look?

I meet her needs. All that comes out. It meets my needs. It meets other needs. We freely give.

We're freely giving. When you understand that you've been blessed with so much, it's a mindset change. When you've been blessed with so much, you are given the liberty. You are given the freedom. That's that freedom principle.

To be able to live. So, if you want your spouse to be more blank, I want you to fill in that blank. If you want your spouse to be more blank, meet their needs so that you can experience an overflow. Of love and gratitude to God that enables them to meet the needs of others, you, your kids, and everything around you. So, on the flip side, if you give them H-E double hockey stick all day, guess what you're getting back?

But if you give them love, if you give them affection, if you don't like what you're getting, look what you're giving. If you don't like what you're getting, look what you're giving. I'm going to take the JFK quote and put something in there. I guess, ask not what your marriage can do for you, what can you do for your marriage? Right?

That's a good godly principle there, right? I took something, politics sometimes has some benefits, right? Look what you can do for your marriage. That's what it should be about. If you, and I love this, if you're following your notes, is if you want what you've never had, you must do whatever, or what you've never done.

If you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done. Are you willing to do what you've never done? If you want what you once had, if you've been married for a while and you've lost that, you must do what you once did. What you once did. Revelation 2, 5 in closing.

Remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent and do the things you did at first. Repent and do the things that you did first. It starts with us. When you want something different, will you be that?

Perhaps you've been there or you're there now or you're going there. You can have the best marriage ever. But it starts with something internally. It's got to be an internal change, a mentality change. Because culture tells us everything else, right?

Got to do it this way. You got to do it that way. But guess what? It's not working because marriages are failing every day. Relationships are failing every day.

We're doing it wrong. It seems like the right thing to do. It looks like the right thing to do. It looks lovely. It's wonderful, but it's not.

Because it's not working. So why not? Why not give it a chance? Why not start and try it? And if you're, I know that some of you here today, you're still trying to figure out the Jesus thing, whether that is for you or not.

And I'm not really into the raising from the dead and the miracles and all that. But you know, I like the idea. Let me, I'll tell you, I'll tell you this, that you can take some of these principles and apply it to your life and it works. In fact, all of these principles that God teaches us and you can apply it to your life and it will work. It will work.

And I want to pray for marriages today. If you would just bow your heads and close your eyes. I just want to pray for everybody that represents a marriage and a relationship in this room. I want to pray for all future relationships. I want to pray for, you know, young people, teenagers, everybody in here today.

As you enter into that age of courtship, that God would be with you and that you would do things the godly way. I want you to have the best relationship, the best marriage you can possibly have. But Father, in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus, I ask today that you would bless each person here as you enter into that, as we enter into that season, whether we're in a season of 10 years, 20 years, three years into marriage, whether we're just starting our marriages, Lord, or whether we're not even into the dating season yet, that God, that you would bless the pathway as we follow you in your word and in your truth, Lord, that we would honor you and trust you, that we'd first look at ourselves, that we would pursue our number two, but we would first pursue the one. Pursue the one with all of our hearts, so that we know what to pursue. Pursue the one so we know what to pursue.

God, help us and guide us. Strengthen us, God. And in that same spirit of prayer, Lord, there are some here that has never pursued the number one. If everybody would stand and sing your prayer, and I want to ask you, as pastor here today, that you can make a decision. You can start now.

Maybe you're here, and you're like, I've never, I don't know anything about this Jesus, but I know nothing else has worked in my life. I've tried even doing the right things. I tried doing things in the Bible, but it really didn't work for me because you started from the wrong place. You didn't start with the one who doesn't care about all the things, all the rights and wrongs, and the do's and don'ts. He cares about having a relationship with you.

If you've never given your heart to Jesus today, would you make that decision? If that's you today, with all heads bowed and all eyes closed, if you would just boldly say, I'm in. This is my time. If you'd raise your hand, I just want to pray for you. I'm not going to call you to the front.

I'm not going to make, you know, embarrass you or anything. Amen. Thank you for being bold. Thank you for being anyone else, any other. If you'd pray this with me, whether you've made the bold decision to say, I'm in, or you're still internally, internally just praying, making that decision.

If you pray this with me, Lord, I believe that you are the Son of God, that you died on the cross for my sin. Today, I walk with you. I believe that you are who you say you are. Come into my life. Come into my heart.

Make me new.